Monday, March 19, 2012

sage and sweet grass

a tear filled prayer time, a resolve to just "write the letter" to see what it feels like, a solid feeling in my heart that I know what I'm suppose to do, what God is speaking to me, an argument in my inner dialogue about how just going about what I normally do is not the right thing and that things will not change if I stay where I am.

a handing in of the letter, a deep breathe, disbelief, did I actually just quit my job?
This job that I LOVE, this job that has taught me so much.
Yes I believe I did. It came down to a decision of self preservation, what is more important, my emotional health (which is largely damaged because of the night shift)or preserving the identify I have created, preserving this person who is wrapped up in yellow.
I go back to a time when I sat under a tree dripping with flower in south Africa, noting the callused feet of a man who has walk much of Africa, being asked to outline my personal 10 the created not the creator... I know God has more for me, please don't misunderstand that I don't mean the shelter is beneath me,far from it,I will always value that place, I just know this is not the long term plan, and I've been holding on so hard for longer then the end of this journey was much like the start, I'm not saying me and the mustard seed are done for ever, my time as night team lead is done though.

This morning in my prayer time I found this prayer:

Good Shepherd, who finds the lost one
the "me" I have known has disappeared.

Will I ever recover the person I have been?
Will I ever find and feel good about myself again?
Will I discover who I am and who I am becoming?

Protect me in this great vulnerability.
Assure me that I will come home to myself,
even though "my self" may be different.

Silence my impatience.
Calm my worry.
Restore my joy.
Solace my distress.
Help me to befriend my new self
with tender hope and welcoming love

-Joyce Rupp

Saturday, March 3, 2012

you don't have to wait for the sound

You can take small beautiful things away from even the worst of experiences...I am referring to when I worked at day care. You see, above the door in the basement it said "through these doors walk the best kids in Calgary" I thought that was cute, commented on the cuteness to one of the girls who worked there longer then myself and she mentioned she had been inspired because apparently at some bar here in Calgary there is a similar sign but it says something about beautiful women...go figure...

Anyway when I volunteered at the after school program in south Africa, I remembered that sign...and those kids are,were and forever will be inspiring and a large part of my heart, they are also South Africa's hope...hence the sign...

Recently there was a all staff meeting at the seed, and I left feeling very inspired, which apparently means I need to make a sign that has something to do with a door. The Director of Rehousing, showed us two time lines of guests who have been rehoused by the seed, I'm not even going to try and lie about the fact that I cried when it was explained that one of them was able to go to his daughters wedding...beautiful, anyway, this presentation was ended with the words "the people we work with are brave..."

its so true....

The morning we put this up one of the ladies walked by me and was like "oh i need to walk through the door!" she walked through about two steps then she walked back out proclaiming "now its official"

I should have added that the people who walk through that door are precious...