India and I are still trying to figure each other out, and as I feel that process is going to take a while i dont know that I can really blog, I do want to share some clips from my journal to maybe help you see where im at and what im doing.
I wrote this piece after my second day at "Kalghat" which is the Mother Teresa home for the destitute and the dying.
Its a building big enough to house 80 people and opposite to the west the point is not to cure people but rather to give them a place to die with dignity and love. I stayed mostly on the womens side and it really made me question my understanding of the word "beauty" these women skin and bones, blind and not all there putting there hands together to there face and saying "nameste didi" (which translates to something like the divine in me see the divine in you sister) are beatutiful! I feel like im getting in the way of the nuns as i sit and stare, i hold hands, i caress shaved heads and smile into faces while repeating bengali words that i dont understand...anyway lets see what i wrote in my journal that day
"I also spent more time feeding people, there was one little lady who I hand fed, she is blind and would go into convulsions and scream and as startling as that was it is still sch a blessing to be able to do this. I found myself thnking "anyone could do this...I'm not really making a difference" but i guess thats where i have to think I am the one doing this today and this is a love offering to God and hopefully a blessing to this women"
these entries are a little out of order but here is another one
"I helped give out meds and spoon fed one lady both snack and lunch. No teeth and I think she was part blind, skin and bones but oh so beautiful. Everytime I ran a hand over her head, I was thinking about Jesus as I placed rice and bits of orange in beloveds mouth I asked "God please see this as an offering to you"
I keep looping through the thoughts of "I need to come back to Kolkata, I need to make a routine here and build relationships, I need to work every day with those who are dying and spend my evenings in prayer with the sisters" and "Im never ever coming back to India"
maybe one to make people laugh
"oh! this morning at the mother house there was this dak haired boy with starter dreads (like he hadnt brushed his hair) and a beard and dressed very earthy and probably my soulmate and i found myself thinking "are you allowed to think someone is hot when your sitting in a convent?"