you don't have to wait for the sound

You can take small beautiful things away from even the worst of experiences...I am referring to when I worked at day care. You see, above the door in the basement it said "through these doors walk the best kids in Calgary" I thought that was cute, commented on the cuteness to one of the girls who worked there longer then myself and she mentioned she had been inspired because apparently at some bar here in Calgary there is a similar sign but it says something about beautiful women...go figure...

Anyway when I volunteered at the after school program in south Africa, I remembered that sign...and those kids are,were and forever will be inspiring and a large part of my heart, they are also South Africa's hope...hence the sign...



Recently there was a all staff meeting at the seed, and I left feeling very inspired, which apparently means I need to make a sign that has something to do with a door. The Director of Rehousing, showed us two time lines of guests who have been rehoused by the seed, I'm not even going to try and lie about the fact that I cried when it was explained that one of them was able to go to his daughters wedding...beautiful, anyway, this presentation was ended with the words "the people we work with are brave..."







its so true....

The morning we put this up one of the ladies walked by me and was like "oh i need to walk through the door!" she walked through about two steps then she walked back out proclaiming "now its official"

I should have added that the people who walk through that door are precious...

let me be empty

There were a few moments from our trip that really stood out for me and I would like to share them with you. Lets take a look in the brown leather journal that I filled while I was there

"we went for dinner at UGM (union gospel mission) and like the day before we decided to split up so we weren't this clump of new faces. We were with the second group to go in for dinner and Jon (who was going with the Alis of Chad Williams)and I sat down at a table with only one other man at it. The man sat with his face down, focused on his dinner tray, we start to eat as well and I look up and over at him and tears are streaming down his face and he is quietly sobbing. Jon and I exchange confused looks and I start to push my tray across the table with the intention of going to sit by the man, but then I hesitate, what if he doesn't want to talk to me? I get up and I go over to him, I ask him I can talk to him, he says that fine, I ask him whats wrong and he begins to spill about a life of pain, of physical pain from several accidents and emotional pain which drove him to years swallowed by a alcohol addiction. I ask him if he wants me to get one of the staff and he shakes his head "there isn't anything they could do" I pause "I don't usually do this ... I don't want you to think I'm a religious freak but I believe in Christ" I begin to tell him what I believe and how I believe in healing. After stammering nervously through this explanation I ask him if I can pray for him, he nods tears still clinging to his cheeks, I place my hand on his arm and we pray, he leaves shortly after"

Later in Seattle

"Jon and I are walking slowing behind Jordan and Janelle, they are ahead waiting at a stop sign and a small older lady calls out to us from the bench she is sitting at, I approach and ask her name, Sylvia, she begins to tell me that she is temporally homeless and that she was hoping someone would buy her a sandwich, my heart sinks a little as we decided not to take any money with us. I explain to her that tonight we are in the same situation as she is and that I don't have anything to share with her, again I hesitate and start with "I don't usually do this..." and I ask if I can pray with her, she clasps my hand tightly and says "pray honey" I pray and say goodbye..."

One thing about these prayers was how powerful they felt I walked away knowing that God was there. Its strange that in both these situations I said to the person I was talking to "all I can do with you is prayer" when really prayer is a huge deal, and depending on the person doing the praying, can be a hugely vulnerable act, one that is very personal and genuine.

I often pray with people at the shelter, but I think sometimes things can get muddled in my head, I work for an agency that provides basic needs and i feel like i should be providing a tangible "something" whenever someone comes to me, these experiences of prayer on the streets are something I am sinking into in my "work" its really a blessing....

material word

I get strange attachments to some of my material objects. One of them is my backpack. I was gifted this backpack by two friends just before I went to Africa. Its traveled with me basically everywhere and we have many stories together. We've seen many airports and many dirt roads. This backpack has been with me to camp, to work, to south Africa, Swaziland, Mozambique, Zambia, India, Vancouver, Saskatoon...basically everywhere I've gone since I was 17.
Tonight I packed it for a new adventure. Adventure isn't the right word though...pilgrimage...
My shift is over in approx 5 hours, 3 of my friends will pick me up and we are headed to east Hastings in Vancouver, we will each bring minimal changes of clothing and a sleeping bag...we are going to go experience street life for a week and a bit.

I would be lying to say I wasn't nervous, I would be lying to say I am not feeling a bit of anxiety over this. Homelessness is far more then not having shelter. And its not something that we will understand after only a few days. In fact I slept under a bridge one night before and sometimes looking back on that experience I laugh a little thinking how profound I found that night...it was profound but it was only a fraction of what the reality of homelessness is.

I think God calls some people to intentional poverty, I remember thinking that in Africa, because in reality what we have to offer as followers of Christ are not material things, nothing that would fit in a backpack, but it is the hope of Christ...its hope that the pain we feel here and the nasty stuff we go through is not all there is, its hope that we are loved by perfection and that He offers us freedom for all the things that hold us in shackles. Sometimes I feel like I may be called to interact with poverty in a different way, not as a helping hand in a yellow shirt, but maybe just as a girl who loves Jesus who is seated on the pavement beside you. Maybe this week will make that clearer..

pins and needles

I don't desire authority. I don't desire big. or process. rules. reasons. exceptions. bus tickets.

I desire my hand against a wound. I desire soft voices. I desire sitting on a floor. looking up and listening. I desire dialogue and pillows.

Work has felt weird this week, which is strange because I have been away due to illness most days.

I feel bogged down by passive aggression and working against the grain.

So many faces...so much anger. The rhythm of God is slow...but I wonder if this is His idea.

Last week I had a awesome conversation with K and W. There were only two chairs so I sat on the floor and told him things i learned in my class. Something felt good when he threw his hands up saying "Someone understands!" but it mostly felt bad as he shows me scars from abuse he endured as a child and tells me about electric cords. She is so quiet and I feel like holding this moment in cupped hands.

They saw him down town messed right up on some drug and I don't know how I feel.

I desire music. and coffee.and cigerretts.and gentle. I desire God's presence. His audible breath and the fact of love.

a story from victoria

One of the things on "My life's to do list" (this is the term I use instead of bucket list) is to one days share ALL my journals with one person...I don't know if there is ever going to be a person who is going to want to sit through my whole life experience,but whatever hahaha. One way that I can share parts of my journals though is this blog! I was recently looking back at my journal from March 2010, I had gone to Vancouver for a wedding and then spent a beautiful week in Victoria with Brianne and Matt.
Anyway here are some journal clips

"Jen texted me about something called "tent City" Bri and I looked it up and its a place near by where homeless people camp out. Tonight we went to look for it but came up with nothing.
Its funny cause in thinking about going there to look and in what Ive already seen in life I wonder what my hoped for outcome is...hopefully one day I will be able to recall the things I've seen and pair them with a heart filled action"

"I am back at Solstice (coffee shop) I found it all by myself and I walked up to the counter and asked "what good?" and just asked him to pick what to make me. I've ended up with something dark...some sort of mocha...I will drink it only cause the barista (its a gender neutral term right?) had a wonderful beard.

As I was walking around I came across a panhandler...well he was standing asking people for money as they went by. I asked him how his day was. He said "horrible" because he hadn't made anything. I asked him if he wanted something to eat and if i could go with him and buy something, he said yes and we started walking, then he asked if he could just have the money. I said "why?" and he said he needed it for liquor and I said "no" he replied with "but i need to have it everyday" i again asked "why?" and he said "because I'm an alcoholic" I said no and again offered food, he passed and i kept going. I came across a old man in a walker with signs that said "I am 73 and homeless everything helps" I asked him how he was and he said "today I am very happy" and began to tell me about his health problems. He has cancer and just found out they would remove it by surgery. His name is Jack, as I was talking to him, the first guy walked up and asked if I was still willing to get him food. I said "for sure" and followed him. I had to run to catch up. We went in a mall I asked his name, Tre, 26 years old, homeless in vic since he was 18, lives at "tent city"
I bought him Chinese food, and asked if he wanted me to stick around or leave him alone. He said he'd like to just eat and gave me a hug.
Not even two minutes later he walked by me without the food. He either stuffed his face or trashed it. Either way is fine I guess. Mean while I purchased a burger for Jack but when I got back to him he was gone...across the street was someone else.
His name was Sean and he kissed my hand twice. I think he has cerebral palsy...that's my story from this morning.

I was thinking about how I wasn't expecting any sort of transaction from my un-sheltered encounters. I feel that its to easy for people to be like "I will buy you food, you tell me the story of your life or something that will enlighten me"

Stories are/ can be piece of your soul. I wouldn't expect someone to give me that in exchange for some nutrients"

Gideon didn’t have an encounter with God on a mountain top

Simply put, the mustard seed tends to break my heart. I was writing a letter to someone the other day about how I remember being in jr high/ high school and being afraid of homeless people, then having an incredible experience in east Hastings and no longer being able to look at un-sheltered friends without thinking "beloved"

When I was walking around the shelter tonight I stopped and saw this written in the bathroom, I noticed it yesterday but didn't read what it said and now i just feel sad. This is the only place they can find for quiet. I think about myself and people in my life and how we talk about "me" time and how refreshing it can be to just be alone for a while and then I think of being in some sort of devastating situation where I would need to live at a shelter and have 300 roommates from all walks of life, in all stages of being, some happy, some angry at the world, some using drugs, some dealthy sick, and I think about feeling trapped there and how my only quiet place might be a bathroom....

A while back at a event for hands at work my Friend heather said "Sometimes the experience runs so deep its hard to find the words but we must tell their stories"

This is how I feel about the seed, I'm hoping to find the words soon...

under the overpass

so a few years ago for Christmas my dad gave me this book called "under the overpass" by mike yankoski

i love this book, something about this book stirs something in me and yeah...i want to share a little bit of it with you.

[ " the pizza, hanging out down here, being nice to the people no one cares about, all of it, why?"

"i figure they're hungry and hey, everyone likes pizza right?" said George but he looked uncomfortable with the question.

"thats the easy answer" said sam "whats the real answer?"
"Okay" George said realizing we were serious "you really want to know? i do this because my faith tells me to. The Bible clearly says if you see someone hungry feed them, if you see someone naked clothe them. Those words werent written for us to make books and sermons about they're written so people dont go hungry and naked. And they require action from all followers of Christ, not just the rescue missions, Anyway thats how i see it. So im trying to live my life that way and be pleasing to Jesus"
"whew" i said inspired.
"Do you know what they call you around here?" sam asked "The Jesus guy"
"Highest compliment i could ever receive" George said with a big smile. "But you know what? i've never once come down here and preached. At least not in the typical fashion-you know,with yelling and Bible thumping"
Sam and i took a few minutes to tell George about ourselves and that we shared his faith. We thanked him for his powerful witness for Christ in the park.
"isnt it amazing" i said "that when we live as we're called and do what we're commanded the gospel does get preached one way or another?"

"I think so" said George. He was scanning the park. There were the usual strollers and loser and drunk and punks the usual American riffraff. But George was looking the place over like he owned it, like it was his own backyard. "Live as your called and the good news will go forth. I like that"

"Remember that the poor are people with names" writes bryant myers author of walking with the poor "they are people with whom and among who God has been working before we even knew they where there"

cupcakes for breakfast toothpaste for dinner

but yeah like I said I'm interested in how this whole thing will turn out and tie together, I get this strange feeling when I'm downtown, when I see pavement covered in chewed gum, grocery carts overflowing with "finds", when i see policemen or people sitting down on the concrete.

This speaks to my heart, this makes me cry and makes me hope but...so did big eyes, heat, mud huts, and language barriers of Africa
Jesus where are you taking me?
I'm very intrigued

theres one thing you need to know and thats that you cant count on me

My calgary community stay was way more intense then I expected, Im extremely appreciative of the uncomfortable feeling its stirred up in me, im just waiting for whats next...

It started out with a prayer outside a church, Tim and I each had a blanket it tow, I also had my journal, we slowly started walking towards princess island park, at first it just seems like any average night, there are limos because its grad season and small groups of laughing people walking around, as we get into the park, there are smaller quiter groups of people who stare as we walk by, we go down to the river to find Adrian, we greet him and then continue on our way to find a place to sleep...we dont even really know what we are looking for
"um do we want to sleep in darkness or light? under something or just on the grass?" we dont really know, we come across a small bridge with rocks and grass under, we can see everything around us but it is dark under the bridge so we are harder to see, this is a good spot, at 1:00 am when the sprinklers turn on we are especially happy about where we have chosen.

We lay down and make a joke about being like jacob because we have both selected rocks to use as head rests, the parkcade lights are our constant companions. We talk for an hour, starting to get used to the sounds of people walking around us and all the other noise the park offers. I didnt fall asleep once, for a few hours it was paranioa but around 3 i got up to just walk around and i knew i wasnt scared to be there my mind was just moving to fast. Tim woke up around 5, I still hadnt fallen asleep, we decieded to build a 12 stone alter (like Jacob again) to remember what we learned as we slept under this bridge, then we headed down to the river to hang out, we couldnt start panhandling till 8 am.

After we left, we started walking towards the core to hit up some public washrooms, we got stopped by an animated yet down Ricardo Farara, "are you homeless?" he askes us "no, we where spending a night in the park to understand what people go through and to make some friends" "why would you do that?" "we love Jesus...He loves people...we want to follow that example" i was suprized by how humbled and excited he seemed about that "you are christians? will you pray for me?" absolutely! (if you guys also think of it pray for Ricardo Farara)
we arrive near the public washrooms and the park is completely trashed, we sit down and wait, there is a custodian who walks by mumbling resentments at us about the mess he must clean...he wont unlock the bathrooms...its okay though cause we find some friends and have a prime time for breakfast.

william and shena are both on the street due to medical reason, their stories of being so mistreated by "the system" and by people really confuse and upset me. After having a morning primetime with them we head over to a busier street to see if we can panhandle breakfast, the "busy" street was actually mostly unsheltered friends, so we deciede that sitting down with a hat really wasnt going to work, so we deiceded to ask people as we walked by them...I know this could seem aggresive and silly because i could have gone home to get some food but it was something we felt we should do...
I think this is the part that really stood out to me, i have never felt so hated...i can so perfectly see the looks we got from some people...and what for? $2.35 enough for us to each get a ice tea for breakfast.
William gave us each a orange with a smile...he has nothing...he is also hated by people, people like me who have anything...yet he gave so freely...

Im still kind of processing what went on...i am a little overwhelmed but im ready to move to go to do...i have a idea for my first plan of action, which i will blog about in the future.

I also have plans to stay in the drop in center...we will see what that does...

I just want to feel like feel like im really trying like i really put my life on the line for something that matters, just like my best friend did.
doing stuff that involves this and hanging out with "youth" that are around me seems so much more important then getting a job...i just dont know what to do...

can you see me through the glare of the lamp post?

"True morality consists not in following the beaten track, but in finding out the true path and fearlessly following it" - Gandhi

This Blog is going to be all about Fridays adventure/ community stay.
It is my mission along with my friend tim to spend a night on the streets of Calgary, this is something i have wanted to do for a long time and tim and i are both at a place where we feel ready to do it...this is just going to be the start! my objective is to learn some empathy and to understand more of street culture in calgary, and to make some more unsheltered friends.

wesnesday may 25:

Had an extremely lovely experiance with tim this morning, we where scoting out places tosleep for friday and as we where walking we came across one of Tim's unsheltered friends, Adrian.
we sat down with him and he said business was rough (he was panhandling) so we took him down to the Mcdonalds and we had lunch and as we did a number of things struck me:
first of all how he said this was the first time in a month that someone has talked to him for five minutes, how painfully slow he ate his food, how he is super okay with being on the streets because he thinkis its his karma for things that have happened in the past and how the only thing that scares him about street life is the spiders.

Tips from Adrian for staying on the street:
-station yourself near a washroom, resturants are good gas stations are not.
-stay out of site of by law officers
- dont hang out in a place where there are lots of bottles and garabage, that is mosty likely where drinking and other activites go on.

thursday 27 may :

we went down to the river to wash our feet, from where the park is to where the river is you have to walk through a bunch of bush, and as we did we saw a little shelter made out of plastic tarp and there was someone inside, and i immediatly thought of adrian and when we walked past i called his name just to see if it was him and it totally was!
hows that for random? or totally unrandom? Im begining to wonder if God is planning all the path crossing with him....

Friday 28 may:
I am getting so excited! last time i talked to Tim he was a little nervous but that is to be expected, I researched bylaws today...turns out panhandling is not illegal, which is good because tim and I wont leave on saturday till we panhandle enough money to get a meal.

I called the mustard seed today to get the status on the resume i put in, if they get the go ahead from the people above them they will call tomorrow or monday for a interview, i really really want this to work out, i dont want my time is calgary to be wasted just making money, i want to make to be involved in whats going on here as well...i have to keep reminding myselt that God will bring things around, i just feel very directionless in this moment

Prayers for friday and for everything will always be appreciated.