I didnt ask for Whipped Cream, but Thanks!

from the lovely cork journal:

"....Then I met with Kristal, and that girl definatly understands my vision! Because I, in my thoughts about school, I'm thinking more and more about how I don't feel like I need an degree for validation and how I truly truly believe God gives gifts and how that should not be discounted.

I was thinking how the things I want to do "professionally" I don't ACTUALLY want to do "professionally"
I want to be a part of a community. Community that takes care of each other, that teaches and learns, forgives and gives, community of equality, community that values worth and sacrifice and community of people seeking Jesus, of people loving Him and loving like Him.

And, for me, the idea of going to school, so I can make sure others see my gift? to ensure I can get a job in the future? That kind of thinking doesn't sit right with me.
Life is a whole opportunity for education. Every person and experience is a vehicle for my learning and personal transformation.

I wonder if school would cloud my natural instincts with theory. or if not having a "education" would cloud other people with doubts of my ability?"




*** the thoughts expressed in this post are very much of me processing this decision, I may very well end up going to school, I also don't think there is anything wrong with going to school and think its great when people make that choice, I am simply trying to figure out what I want and what is going to work best for the kind of life I am going to live, and ultimately what God is calling me to.

pins and needles

I don't desire authority. I don't desire big. or process. rules. reasons. exceptions. bus tickets.

I desire my hand against a wound. I desire soft voices. I desire sitting on a floor. looking up and listening. I desire dialogue and pillows.

Work has felt weird this week, which is strange because I have been away due to illness most days.

I feel bogged down by passive aggression and working against the grain.

So many faces...so much anger. The rhythm of God is slow...but I wonder if this is His idea.

Last week I had a awesome conversation with K and W. There were only two chairs so I sat on the floor and told him things i learned in my class. Something felt good when he threw his hands up saying "Someone understands!" but it mostly felt bad as he shows me scars from abuse he endured as a child and tells me about electric cords. She is so quiet and I feel like holding this moment in cupped hands.

They saw him down town messed right up on some drug and I don't know how I feel.

I desire music. and coffee.and cigerretts.and gentle. I desire God's presence. His audible breath and the fact of love.

a story from victoria

One of the things on "My life's to do list" (this is the term I use instead of bucket list) is to one days share ALL my journals with one person...I don't know if there is ever going to be a person who is going to want to sit through my whole life experience,but whatever hahaha. One way that I can share parts of my journals though is this blog! I was recently looking back at my journal from March 2010, I had gone to Vancouver for a wedding and then spent a beautiful week in Victoria with Brianne and Matt.
Anyway here are some journal clips

"Jen texted me about something called "tent City" Bri and I looked it up and its a place near by where homeless people camp out. Tonight we went to look for it but came up with nothing.
Its funny cause in thinking about going there to look and in what Ive already seen in life I wonder what my hoped for outcome is...hopefully one day I will be able to recall the things I've seen and pair them with a heart filled action"

"I am back at Solstice (coffee shop) I found it all by myself and I walked up to the counter and asked "what good?" and just asked him to pick what to make me. I've ended up with something dark...some sort of mocha...I will drink it only cause the barista (its a gender neutral term right?) had a wonderful beard.

As I was walking around I came across a panhandler...well he was standing asking people for money as they went by. I asked him how his day was. He said "horrible" because he hadn't made anything. I asked him if he wanted something to eat and if i could go with him and buy something, he said yes and we started walking, then he asked if he could just have the money. I said "why?" and he said he needed it for liquor and I said "no" he replied with "but i need to have it everyday" i again asked "why?" and he said "because I'm an alcoholic" I said no and again offered food, he passed and i kept going. I came across a old man in a walker with signs that said "I am 73 and homeless everything helps" I asked him how he was and he said "today I am very happy" and began to tell me about his health problems. He has cancer and just found out they would remove it by surgery. His name is Jack, as I was talking to him, the first guy walked up and asked if I was still willing to get him food. I said "for sure" and followed him. I had to run to catch up. We went in a mall I asked his name, Tre, 26 years old, homeless in vic since he was 18, lives at "tent city"
I bought him Chinese food, and asked if he wanted me to stick around or leave him alone. He said he'd like to just eat and gave me a hug.
Not even two minutes later he walked by me without the food. He either stuffed his face or trashed it. Either way is fine I guess. Mean while I purchased a burger for Jack but when I got back to him he was gone...across the street was someone else.
His name was Sean and he kissed my hand twice. I think he has cerebral palsy...that's my story from this morning.

I was thinking about how I wasn't expecting any sort of transaction from my un-sheltered encounters. I feel that its to easy for people to be like "I will buy you food, you tell me the story of your life or something that will enlighten me"

Stories are/ can be piece of your soul. I wouldn't expect someone to give me that in exchange for some nutrients"

incense burning in a taxi cab

India and I are still trying to figure each other out, and as I feel that process is going to take a while i dont know that I can really blog, I do want to share some clips from my journal to maybe help you see where im at and what im doing.

I wrote this piece after my second day at "Kalghat" which is the Mother Teresa home for the destitute and the dying.
Its a building big enough to house 80 people and opposite to the west the point is not to cure people but rather to give them a place to die with dignity and love. I stayed mostly on the womens side and it really made me question my understanding of the word "beauty" these women skin and bones, blind and not all there putting there hands together to there face and saying "nameste didi" (which translates to something like the divine in me see the divine in you sister) are beatutiful! I feel like im getting in the way of the nuns as i sit and stare, i hold hands, i caress shaved heads and smile into faces while repeating bengali words that i dont understand...anyway lets see what i wrote in my journal that day

"I also spent more time feeding people, there was one little lady who I hand fed, she is blind and would go into convulsions and scream and as startling as that was it is still sch a blessing to be able to do this. I found myself thnking "anyone could do this...I'm not really making a difference" but i guess thats where i have to think I am the one doing this today and this is a love offering to God and hopefully a blessing to this women"

these entries are a little out of order but here is another one

"I helped give out meds and spoon fed one lady both snack and lunch. No teeth and I think she was part blind, skin and bones but oh so beautiful. Everytime I ran a hand over her head, I was thinking about Jesus as I placed rice and bits of orange in beloveds mouth I asked "God please see this as an offering to you"

I keep looping through the thoughts of "I need to come back to Kolkata, I need to make a routine here and build relationships, I need to work every day with those who are dying and spend my evenings in prayer with the sisters" and "Im never ever coming back to India"

maybe one to make people laugh

"oh! this morning at the mother house there was this dak haired boy with starter dreads (like he hadnt brushed his hair) and a beard and dressed very earthy and probably my soulmate and i found myself thinking "are you allowed to think someone is hot when your sitting in a convent?"

from the little red journal

19 may 6:03pm

My dad is a assorted variety artist and I appreciate him very much. The sound of fingers sliding along a guitar neck to change notes always reminds me of him. I like his voice and not just the one you can hear.
I have some of his songs on my Ipod, some are silly, some are sad and I am extremely glad to have them
There is this one called "Harvey" that he wrote when he worked at the church. There is something special about a song written for a man who is unaware there is a song written for him.

HarveyMr. Harvey what happened to you? did you go on a bender? did you come apart at your seams?
I saw your garden growing, in fact I had some fruit-no salad and vegetables from it.
I heard you got beat up real bad that night at the bar, your out of your head you got out of your car.
You went on a rampage all the way to Nova Scotia and then the church paid your way back to know us
You showed up here in a tie you were mistaken, there was no job no job for you
And I use to wonder what kind of a mind it took to plant a garden, I cant do it, I don't have the Patience like you.
and you were running, running home running home running home
I hope you don't stay running running home running home running home running home
I met you and I like you
I got nothing against a guy who has some drinks
There are to many Pharisees handing round these parts want to make you change and it always makes me think, what if that was me down in the gutter?
would they even stop to pick me up? I don't think so they got their nose in the sky and I don't think they'd see you as they pass by
Mr. Harvey
where are you? Mr. Harvey where are you?
are you still running, running, running?
are you still running into the blue?

New journal day

Every 2 or so months I get to have the lovely experiance of "new journal day"
Today is "New Journal day" and I am very happy. Its a wonderful feeling to put the tattered, FULL (in more then one sense) book on the shelf and pick out the clean blank yummy new one!

just thought I would share that...

worrrddd

yesterday i was going through an old journal of mine and i found this quote

"a good conversation is a process where we give each other life and meaning to go on, to celebrate together, to be sad together and to inspire one another..."

and then yesterday this quote just came to life in my goings on...

"where we give each other life and meaning to go on"
when i got to work i was able to sit down and talk with one of my co-workers that i never see who is very experianced at the seed, i was able to vent some of my frustations and he totally encouraged me...even just the fact that i was able to vent was awesome but then that my ventage was met with actual wonderful advice!

"to celebrate together"
over my one hour break i spent a good deal of time looking at plane tickets for my next adventure...im pretty excited even though its a year away. But when i came off my break i spent some time telling my co-worker about it and we were both excited!

"to be sad together"
we were short staffed and i had to do of some of the things day staff do, so im running around the mat area and then I see a guest who had just spent her first night at the shelter and she is sitting on the floor bawling. I go and sit down beside her and ask her whats wrong, she replies with "i dont want to be here" and im thrown back to the place i always am where i just feel absolutely useless with words.
"we still have hope...you still have hope..." i tell her "i will pray for you...and thats not just something im saying to you...i will pray for you...legit"

"and to inspire one another..."

im on my way to bed but im feeling pretty inspired....