Taken.Blessed.Broken.Given

When I was like 19 I wrote this list of people who inspired me, that I wanted to write letters too, to thank them for being who they were and putting whatever it was they did out into the world, I don’t remember all who was on it, but the ones that come to mind are Bono, John Butler and Shane Claiborne. I don’t think I ever did write those letters, but tonight with my hand on my heart and the threat of tears at the corners of my eyes I got to tell Shane Claiborne, that through his book irresistible revolution, I felt like he was a friend of mine who walked with my in a time when I was getting to know myself and who I am meant to be. That was a pretty great moment.
I am in a bit of a strange place these days, struggling with what my faith means and with my general coping, not that this is new, but lack of community and “what it all means”
This weekend I went on a retreat, at Kingsfold, it was supposed to be two days but I couldn’t quiet my spirit enough to stay the whole time and ended up coming home after one, I am going to be okay with that, but that doesn’t mean stopping to looking at the hard things. On my one day, I read Henri Nouwen’s “Life of the Beloved” the book is supposed to be a spiritual dialogue with secular humans, it was funny how this appealed to me, I guess I was looking for something not completely typical and Christian to ground me spiritually when lately I have been feeling extremely negative, (this is mostly because the religious people around me are fucking crazy)
The book defiantly brought things out to chew on, and to lean on. The premise is that we are the Beloved, and that living as the beloved requires being present in four elements and mindsets.
Taken. Blessed. Broken.Given.
I mean I suppose I could write out the book again in different words, but that wouldnt do it justice, there is this one part that talks about how, shattered glasses still reflects light...and that sits beautifully with me, and is a good way of summing up the book.

I do want to live the life of the beloved, and get back to my center, it’s a journey, and I’m tired but I’m not giving up yet.
Im glad this blog turned out this way because my original draft was a rant.ha.

sage and sweet grass

a tear filled prayer time, a resolve to just "write the letter" to see what it feels like, a solid feeling in my heart that I know what I'm suppose to do, what God is speaking to me, an argument in my inner dialogue about how just going about what I normally do is not the right thing and that things will not change if I stay where I am.

a handing in of the letter, a deep breathe, disbelief, did I actually just quit my job?
This job that I LOVE, this job that has taught me so much.
Yes I believe I did. It came down to a decision of self preservation, what is more important, my emotional health (which is largely damaged because of the night shift)or preserving the identify I have created, preserving this person who is wrapped up in yellow.
I go back to a time when I sat under a tree dripping with flower in south Africa, noting the callused feet of a man who has walk much of Africa, being asked to outline my personal 10 commandments....be the created not the creator... I know God has more for me, please don't misunderstand that I don't mean the shelter is beneath me,far from it,I will always value that place, I just know this is not the long term plan, and I've been holding on so hard for longer then necessary...so the end of this journey was much like the start, I'm not saying me and the mustard seed are done for ever, my time as night team lead is done though.

This morning in my prayer time I found this prayer:

Good Shepherd, who finds the lost one
the "me" I have known has disappeared.

Will I ever recover the person I have been?
Will I ever find and feel good about myself again?
Will I discover who I am and who I am becoming?

Protect me in this great vulnerability.
Assure me that I will come home to myself,
even though "my self" may be different.

Silence my impatience.
Calm my worry.
Restore my joy.
Solace my distress.
Help me to befriend my new self
with tender hope and welcoming love.

-Joyce Rupp